MAYBE OLD PEOPLE ARE ONTO SOMETHING

Now what does a 20-something yr old possibly have to say about getting older? Like many people, I look back on the past year with mixed feelings. I experienced some of the hardest times of my life: my 18-year-old cat died, I quit a job and was unemployed for more months than my savings could cover, my relationship ended, and, yes, I found several gray hairs. On the last day of 2022, I was on a plane that had such bad turbulence that, combined with my usual anxiety, I thought about how much I didn’t want to die. Dramatic, I know. Before, I don’t remember ever really thinking past the week ahead. Now, I am eager to accomplish my goals, soak in more of the world, and hopefully become a better (though unavoidably older) person. There are times when I will be thinking about something and have a “lightbulb moment” where it feels like I’m aware that my prefrontal cortex has developed. I think these monumental moments can make you feel like time is running out and the uptick in anti-aging marketing doesn’t help.

When puberty hit at 13 like a bus, I remember suddenly caring so much about my relationships with friends, even strangers. It was like when I suddenly became aware of my body, so did everyone else. I tried eyeliner and wore black combat boots. I had no hesitation about who I was internally but was desperate to make people understand me but didn’t know how to express it. It took ongoing inner reflection on experiences and mistakes for me to feel like I could start to understand myself. As a result, I am more sure of who I am but feel like I am still just on the precipice, the beginning of who I will become. I look in the mirror and am still grappling with understanding that it is me looking back. I am more angular and the texture of my hair is smoother as if I’ve been put through a printing press and sometimes I worry about what I left behind. My hair, which was once long and thick, now sits at my shoulders in smooth dark waves. I used to devour books, escaping into lands of immortal beings and magic. I now choose books with a list of references in the back on topics I’m interested in, hoping to understand the world a bit better. I worry about money, make myself a cup of coffee in the morning, and do chores on the weekends. 

I still like pretty things, am creative, and stubborn, but people rarely think of others by traits but more in terms of hobbies to categorize them. I think about this as my brother now talks about trying to make “parent friends” and I scroll on dating apps swiping past the “gym bros.” I no longer am sure how people identify me. Am I really into anything enough to be called the “___ girl?” In some ways, the shy girl, the art girl, the girlfriend, are correct, but when those labels  are internalized, they constrict growth. The shy girl could not go outside of her comfort zone, such as apply for jobs in leadership, if she felt others might judge her for acting out of character. I understand the label is the resume not the cover letter. It’s the way to quickly categorize but now the stakes are higher. Dates now feel like they end either in marriage or sticky situationships that fizzle out after a few months, jobs are now careers, hobbies are fit in on busy google calendars and GenZ refers to what “era” they are in. It can be exhausting as things move inevitably and excitingly past. The few reliefs for me have come from two truths that I have found:

1. Nothing you do is original. Feeling heartbroken? Yeah so has everyone for millenia and they have had more time to eloquently word it. This means that there is an endless community of humanity throughout history asking the same questions as you. We as people have changed very little, even if it feels like the world has. Find warmth in that.

2. You get to choose what you keep. In this changing world where we can sample and try anything, there are things you can just decide to keep, which is inherently an investment – the value increases over time. This can be internal. I have decided to nurture my curiosity, joy, and voice. It can also be external. Since this is visual it’s comforting to be able to see all around. The massive leather purses older women carry with 30 years of receipts in them, my mom’s old Seiko watch, and the rocking chair that tips dangerously that has traveled house to house. It is felt when you enter an old house that has character as if the weight of the past lives before are hanging in the air. These things were beautiful enough that people wanted to keep them and quality enough to last. They have become more comfortable in their aging and imperfections.

Audrey Hepburn said, “Living is like tearing through a museum. Not until later do you really start absorbing what you saw, thinking about it, looking it up in a book, and remembering–because you can’t take it in all at once.” Even with all the wandering around and thinking about the art, you will miss things, and some things will not be right for you. One painting might bring you to tears while your friend stares at an abstract sculpture, but you both leave with more understanding. This 23 year old has no idea what she will be doing or who she will be at 33. When trying to complete a journal prompt recently of writing a day in my life 10 years in the future, I couldn’t get past the coffee in the morning. Maybe coffee is my thing I’ll choose to keep and that will have to be a good enough start.

Ciao, Julia